Suspension Without Suspense
by Diamondinsanity
Summary: Even after what he's done, she still thinks about him. Her life still revolves around him even when he's not there. After all he's put her through, she still loves him.


**Disclaimers: Alas, I do not own the characters from BtVS or the beautiful words of Gwen Stefani.  
  
Author: Karmawiccan, aka Karma  
  
Pairing: Willow/Spike  
  
Author's Notes: The song is _Suspension Without Suspense_. It's from _Return of Saturn_, No Doubt's 4th album. Song belongs to them.  
  
Distribution: Want. Take. Have. Just tell me first.  
  
Feedback: Yes, please, I crave it like I crave coffee and chocolate.**

* * *

On a dark street, in a dark house, sat Willow Rosenberg. In her hand was a faded picture. As a car drove past, momentarily illuminating the room, a tear splashed onto the already wrinkled and stain photograph. It had only been taken a month ago, and yet it was already tired and worn.  
  
Suddenly, the redhead smiled and ran a finger over the couple in the picture. She remembered the exact day the picture had been taken, even if she didn't remember it being taken. She and her boyfriend had been sitting on the porch. He had just told her he loved her, and she was kissing him. That had been one of the happiest days of her life. But as soon as the happiness came, it had left.  
  
She sighed again, as she remembered when it all started. The redhead had been depressed, sad and lonely. She had been crying in her dorm room when he ran in. After that, everything had changed.  
  
_My divorce from dependence  
  
That's when you found me  
  
I was still soft  
  
And we always were in trouble  
  
Odds stacked against us  
  
And trouble's what we are_  
  
No one had accepted them. No one could accept the witch and the vampire. Spike and Willow. Xander had just stared at his best friend like she had grown an extra head. Buffy was so furious, she had to be restrained. Giles had polished his glasses so hard that one of the lenses popped out. Anya had shown indifference at the time, but kept asking Spike when he was going to eat Willow.  
  
The redhead laughed bitterly at the memories and threw the picture on the ground. She knew exactly what she was getting into when she started dating him. And at first she had loved it all. She loved it when Spike took care of her. She loved the way he could make her laugh. She loved the way one touch could drive her wild. She even loved when Spike went into one of his massive possessive jealousy fits. She loved everything about him. She loved the demon and the man. But soon, things started changing.  
  
_We get so far  
  
And then it just starts rewinding  
  
And the same old song  
  
We're playing it again  
  
Suspension without suspense  
  
_Things had been going so well at the time. It had been nearly 6 months since the Scoobies had found out about Spike and Willow's relationship. Finally, they had moved towards accepting it. But slowly Willow started noticing strange things. There would be new cuts and scars on Spike's alabaster skin. He had begun to appear tired and weak all the time. He would go into phases when he couldn't talk. Wouldn't talk. Willow didn't know what to make of it, so she let it pass. She had no idea of the truth.  
  
Then, one day she saw them. Spike and Buffy. At first, she had just watched them fight. Then Buffy took a swing at Spike. As Willow rushed out of her hiding place, she saw Buffy stop, and suddenly pull Spike in for a kiss. Willow had just stood there in shock. He wasn't pushing her away.  
  
Before she even knew what she was doing, she had reached the house she and Spike had shared. Within minutes, all of his belongings were on the front lawn in a bond fire. She didn't know what Spike's reaction was. She had reversed his invitation into the house, and took every phone in the house off the hook. That had been two weeks ago. She hadn't seen him since.  
  
_Now that I've murdered your inspiration  
  
And I forced you off  
  
Do you hate me?  
  
Do you want revenge?  
  
I want to call you  
  
But I won't  
  
_The redhead sat in the dark staring at the phone. She wanted to call him, but she couldn't. Dawn had come by earlier that day and told her that Spike moved to LA and was staying at Angel's hotel. At first Willow couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Dawn's mouth. Spike hated Angel. But slowly, Willow realized that beyond any hate lied love. Which led her to think about all the signs between Buffy and Spike. And all the times Spike had hinted to her, but she couldn't listen, wouldn't. She knew that she loved Spike and he loved her. It was hard for her to accept that someone else loved him, too.  
  
_We get so far  
  
And then it just starts rewinding  
  
And the same old song  
  
We're playing it again  
  
Suspension without suspense  
  
_Instead of pressing the talk button on the phone, she reached past it and pulled the answering machine towards her. 312 messages in two weeks. That had been how long she had been alone with her thoughts. That had been how long she couldn't sleep. She found that without Spike, the bed was too warm, and big. It wasn't the same without him. This on her mind, she pressed the play button.  
  
Spike.  
  
She pressed delete.  
  
Spike.  
  
Delete.  
  
Spike. Spike. Spike. Spike. Spike. Spike.  
  
Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete.  
  
Buffy's whiny voice filled the room on the next message. 'I'm sorry.' 'I couldn't help myself.' 'It was just supposed to be a harmless spell.' 'Spells can backfire, you know that.' The words all cut Willow like ice and she pressed delete.  
  
Spike.  
  
Willow shook her head as she deleted through 30 messages that were all Spike. A small smile graced her features as she realized how much Spike missed her, and how persistent he was. But she couldn't force herself to call him.  
  
_Oh the pessimistic protection plan  
  
Moderation loving  
  
I've been hardened by the circumstance  
  
We knew this was coming_  
  
She knew it wouldn't last. It had been going too well. She was too much in love for everything to work out well. And, yet even after seeing them together, she was still very much in love with Spike.  
  
She sighed as she waited for the next message. Shocked is not the right word to describe her reaction when the next voice filled the room. She couldn't believe what she was listening to. It was Angel yelling at her for the way _she_ treated Spike. From the same vampire who deserted his "family" when he got his soul.  
  
_We get so far  
  
And then it just starts rewinding  
  
And the same old song  
  
We're playing it again  
  
Suspension without suspense  
  
_The words cut through her once again. 'Not feeding.' 'Not speaking.' 'Brooding.' 'Hasn't insulted me once.' 'Never seen him this depressed.' 'Only word he'll say is red.' 'He needs you.' She just stared blankly at the machine, not even realizing that it had moved onto other messages. 100 other messages to be exact.  
  
Before she even knew what she was doing, she had turned off the answering machine and picked up the phone. Quickly, she dialed a number she knew by heart and waiting for the familiar brooding voice. Impatiently, she waited for the vampire. As soon as his voice came onto the phone, she uttered three words.  
  
"Put him on."  
  
_We get so far  
  
And then it just starts rewinding  
  
And the same old song  
  
We're playing it again and again  
  
Suspension without suspense  
  
Intentions without intent  
  
But I don't want the love we have to end  
  
_--Fin-- 


End file.
